I feel as though I am constantly trying to solve the most massive puzzle ever, and it just so happens to be my life. Sometimes, I really do feel hopeless. It seems like time has become my greatest enemy, as well as my greatest friend; with time everything will begin to make sense but until then, everything is the evermore confusing – NOW.
Don’t get me wrong, I am extremely grateful for every moment that I am blessed with, but I am living in a constant state of angst that has proved unbeatable. It feels like I am standing at the edge of a cliff above a body of water that I have no idea of how deep or shallow it may be. Yet I have not jumped, and I have not been pushed, but there is a group of people gathering behind me anticipating my dive, and some are jumping off them selves without hesitation.
Every day that I try to put the more manageable pieces of my life together, like deciding on a major for college, or thinking about a career that would provide a life of my own, away from home, I feel a part of me deep deep inside my mind panic. It is so subtle, but it is there, and because I know this fear is there it becomes that much more real to me. So real, that I have begun to panic even more at my aknowlegment of this fear because I can’t figure out what is causing it, or how to fix it.
I am afraid of change, and I am afraid to go away to school. I am afraid of leaving my home, my friends and family, and I am afraid to plunge into my future, because once I jump I can never go back.
Can I just say that I am so sick and tired of being told that I am “young and have the whole world ahead” of me. That doesn’t help me at all, this statement makes me feel completely crazy, because time is flying by at an unprecidented speed and I am getting older by the second, minute, and day. The world is becoming more and more compettative and I am becoming more reserved because of this anxiety, so when you tell me I have so much time, I stop and think, “holy shit, am I nuts for feeling this way?”
Like, come on man, I’m just delving into my adult hood but I feel so awkward in my own body and my own mind. It’s like I am experiencing puberty all over again, but from what I can remember, it was nothing close to this bad. I have tried to make getting to know myself a beautiful experience; spending time alone in nature, writing, reading, meditating, just taking the time to be present. There are things I do enjoy to do, I think.. Like writing, singing, knitting, drawing, exercising, baking, etc, but whenever I think I like something I think again.
How do you know when you enjoy doing something? What does true enjoyment feel like? Because I can get sick of doing all of those things, and sometimes I don’t even want to do them, does that mean I still enjoy them? And what is passion? Does passion not mean, something that you could not live without, that causes an infinite fire of joy and purpose to burn inside of you? That what I think at least, and I want to live by my own definitions, because If I don’t, then I wouldn’t be me. So, I haven’t found anything that matches up to these beliefs, so I continue to look.
And then the terrible laziness and depression comes. When I finally find something that I think I may enjoy, something to give my life structure and growth, I lose ambition. Health kick; fasting, eating healthy, exercising, meditating, writing, etc, I lost ambition. Creativity? Lost ambition. Why, why do I have absolutely zero self discipline? I just want to figure everything out, and the more I try the more tangled and lost I feel.
I can’t be the only one.